A Reading Guide

• Bold text means we are being completely serious.

• Italic text means we are being completely satirical.

• Regular text means we are not sure which is which, and neither should you be.

Some of what follows is serious policy that any reasonable person would support.

Some of what follows is absurdist satire designed to expose the hypocrisy of a system where presidents wage illegal wars, threaten violence, and face zero consequences.

Some of what follows is both.

If you are a member of the Democratic or Republican parties, you are going to hate this. Good.

If you are a journalist, you are going to be very confused about whether to file this under "politics" or "humor." Also good.

If you are a lawyer, you are going to have a stroke. We apologize in advance.

Now, let us fix America.

Executive Summary 

The Democrats enable violence while talking about feelings. The Republicans start violence while talking about order. Both parties are run by career criminals in nice suits who have never had a single original thought between them.

We are different.

We propose pleasure, health, beauty, and safety — achieved through non-violent, consensual, and frankly obvious policies that any reasonable person would support if they were not brainwashed by cable news.

Our solutions are simple. Our confidence is unlimited. Our hashtags are fire.

Core Principle One: Violent speech is not free speech. A threat is a threat, whether it comes from a gang member or the President of the United States. No exceptions.

Core Principle Two: The President cannot order military action without a congressional declaration of war. Violations are impeachable offenses.

Core Principle Three: No one is above the law. Not the President. Not the generals. Not the CIA. If you commit a war crime, you go to jail.

Let us begin.

Part One: Personal Freedom 

Marijuana Legalization: Stop Arresting People for a Plant

The Policy: Legalize weed for anyone 21 or older. Tax it lightly. Use the money for community dance parties and wellness programs. Also, rename "edibles" to "happiness snacks."

Why This Is Obvious: A tomato is legal. A potato is legal. A cactus is legal. But a plant that makes you giggle and eat snacks? Straight to jail. This is the dumbest thing we still do as a country. Canada figured it out. Uruguay figured it out. Half of our own states figured it out. The federal government is like that one friend who still uses a flip phone and insists it is "more reliable."

Fun Fact: The only thing weed has ever killed is a bag of Doritos and possibly your motivation to do laundry. Compare that to alcohol, which kills 140,000 Americans a year and makes people text their exes. Which one is illegal again? Oh right. The harmless one.

What the Major Parties Think: Democrats say "we're working on it" for thirty years. Republicans think marijuana is one step away from heroin, which explains why they have never tried either. Meanwhile, their donors sell pharmaceuticals that actually kill people. Cool system.

Our Hashtag: #LetThePlantBeFree

No Draft: Your Body, Your Choice 

The Policy: Abolish the military draft permanently. If you want to serve, great. If you do not, also great. No one gets a letter saying "congratulations, you are now property of the government." Also, anyone who supports the draft should be required to send their own children first.

Why This Is Obvious: Forced service is slavery with extra steps. We fought a whole war about this. The all-volunteer military has worked fine for fifty years. Draft registration is just the government keeping a list of people it might kidnap later. That is creepy. Stop it.

Fun Fact: The last time the draft was used, a sitting president avoided it. Another future president got into the National Guard through family connections. Another got a medical deferment for bone spurs. The people who support the draft never actually serve in it. Interesting how that works.

What the Major Parties Think: Both parties quietly keep the draft on life support because they like having the option. It is like keeping your ex's number "just in case." Move on. Also, if you are over 40 and still think 18-year-olds should be forced to fight your wars, you should have to go first.

Our Hashtag: #NoOneOwnsYou

Sex Work Legalization: It Is Called the World's Oldest Profession, Not the World's Most Successful Crime

The Policy: Legalize sex work for adults 18 and older. Regulate it. Test for diseases. Provide workplace safety. Collect taxes. Treat it like any other job. Also, rename "brothel" to "consensual adult recreation center" because words matter and also that sounds classy.

Why This Is Obvious: Prohibition does not work. We tried it with alcohol. We tried it with drugs. We currently try it with sex work, and the result is violence, trafficking, and death. Legalization makes it safer for workers, cleaner for clients, and emptier for cartels. Everyone wins except prudes, and prudes do not have to participate.

Fun Fact: In countries where sex work is legal, rates of violence against sex workers drop by 80-90%. Sexually transmitted infections drop by half. Human trafficking decreases because legal workers report crimes instead of hiding from police. The only people who benefit from criminalization are pimps, traffickers, and moralizing politicians who secretly hire sex workers anyway.

What the Major Parties Think: Democrats are too scared of suburban moms to say yes. Republicans are too busy hiring sex workers in secret to admit they agree. Cowards, all of them.

Our Hashtag: #SexWorkIsWork (And Work Should Be Safe)

Part Two: Public Safety

Police Reform: Attack Dogs and Stun Guns Are for Enemies, Not Citizens

The Policy: Ban attack dogs, stun guns, chokeholds, and other weapons designed to terrorize. Require de-escalation training. Create citizen oversight boards. Treat police like public servants, not an occupying army. Also, body cameras that cannot be turned off, ever.

Why This Is Obvious: You should not need a dog trained to bite your neck because you had a broken taillight. You should not be tased for asking a question. Policing in America has become performance art for sadists. We are dialing it back to "protect and serve" instead of "intimidate and collect."

Fun Fact: Some countries' police training takes three years and includes classes on psychology, ethics, and conflict resolution. American police training averages 19 weeks and includes "how to shout commands really loudly." One of these countries has a tiny prison population and almost no police killings. The other is us.

What the Major Parties Think: Democrats say "defund" but do not know what that means. Republicans say "back the blue" even when the blue is clearly wrong. We say: respect good cops, fire bad cops, and treat everyone like a human being. Groundbreaking.

Our Hashtag: #CopsNotWarriors

Second Amendment: Yes to Guns, Yes to Training, Yes to Common Sense

The Policy: No bans. No registries. No waiting periods. Also, free firearm training for everyone who wants it. Safety classes. Range time. Holster drills. You want a gun? Great. You want to know how to use it without shooting your own foot off? Even better. Also, if you fail a safety test, you get to try again after a funny educational video about not pointing a gun at your own face.

Why This Is Obvious: The right to self-defense is fundamental. Also, untrained gun owners are a danger to themselves and everyone around them. Both things can be true. We are the only party smart enough to say both.

Fun Fact: Every year, more Americans accidentally shoot themselves than are killed by mass shooters. The problem is not guns. The problem is idiots with guns who have never been trained. Free training solves this. It is that simple.

What the Major Parties Think: Democrats want to take your guns. Republicans want to give you a gun and zero instruction. We want you armed and competent. This should not be controversial.

Our Hashtag: #ArmedAndAware

No TSA Pat-Downs: You Cannot Grope Your Way to Security

The Policy: Abolish invasive TSA screenings. Replace them with intelligence-led security, canine units, and behavioral detection. Also, anyone who has ever made a grandma remove her shoes must publicly apologize.

Why This Is Obvious: The TSA has never stopped a major terrorist attack. It has, however, touched millions of grandmas inappropriately and made everyone take off their shoes for twenty years because one guy tried to light his sneakers on fire. The entire agency is security theater performed by people who failed the police exam.

Fun Fact: Internal TSA tests show that undercover agents sneak weapons through checkpoints the vast majority of the time. That means the TSA stops almost no fake terrorists and exactly zero real ones. Meanwhile, they have confiscated thousands of jars of peanut butter because peanut butter is a "gel." Peanut butter.

What the Major Parties Think: Both parties expanded the TSA. Both parties pretend it works. Both parties are lying. We will end it.

Our Hashtag: #KeepYourHandsOffMyJunk

Part Three: Free Speech 

The Core Principle

Violent speech is not free speech.

• A threat is a threat, whether it comes from a gang member or the President of the United States.

• Incitement is incitement, whether the target is a neighbor or an entire country.

• If it is illegal for you to say "I will kill you," it should be illegal for the President to say "We will obliterate them."

No exceptions. None.

The Simple Rule: You can say anything you want until you point a word-weapon at someone's physical safety. Then it becomes a crime.

Who enforces this? Courts. Juries. Judges. The same system that already distinguishes between "I do not like you" and "I will kill you." The same system that already prosecutes true threats and incitement. We are not inventing a new mechanism. We are closing a loophole that has protected politicians for far too long.

Is enforcement hard? Yes. So is watching a president threaten violence on live television and nothing happen. We choose hard.

What about political rhetoric that implies violence? Context matters. A pattern matters. But at minimum, elected officials who use violent rhetoric should be publicly shamed and voted out. That is not censorship. That is accountability.

Our Hashtags: #ViolentSpeechIsNotFreeSpeech, #NoExceptionsForPoliticians, #NoOneIsAboveTheLaw

No Forced Speech: You Still Do Not Have to Say the Pronouns

The Policy: The government still cannot make you say things you do not believe. That includes preferred pronouns, loyalty oaths, or forced expressions of patriotism.

Why This Is Still True: Forced speech is tyranny. You do not have to like what someone says. You do not have to agree with them. But the moment you use the state to silence them or compel them, you become the bad guy.

But — Also New: If you refuse to use someone's pronouns out of sheer cruelty, not genuine belief, people get to think you are a jerk. That is not a legal consequence. That is just accurate judgment.

Our Hashtag: #SayWhatYouMean (But Do Not Be a Jerk)

Consenting Adults: The Government Should Not Be in Your Bedroom

The Policy: Whatever two (or more) consenting adults do together is none of the government's business. Gay, straight, poly, kink, vanilla — if everyone says yes, the state says nothing.

Why This Is Obvious: Your sex life does not affect the price of eggs. It does not threaten democracy. It does not weaken the military. The government has no legitimate interest in what happens between consenting adults in private. None.

Fun Fact: The same people who want to ban porn, kink, and polyamory also want to ban sex work and abortion. They just want to ban everything that is fun. Do not let them.

Our Hashtag: #GetYourOwnBedroom

Part Four: War Powers 

The Core Principle

The President cannot order military action without a congressional declaration of war.

• Not for a "blockade."

• Not for "limited strikes."

• Not for "kinetic action."

• Not for "armed conflict short of war" (which is not a real legal category).

If Congress wants war, Congress must vote on it. Publicly. With their names attached. And then they must explain to their constituents why their own children are not being sent to fight it.

Violations are impeachable offenses.

What This Would Change: Every president since World War II has waged undeclared wars. That stops now.

Fun Fact: The last formal declaration of war was in 1942. Every war since — Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and others — has been fought without one. That is not a system. That is a loophole the size of a planet.

Our Hashtag: #DeclareWarOrGoHome

The War Crimes Tribunal 

The Policy: The United States will establish an independent tribunal to investigate and prosecute war crimes committed by any U.S. official — past or present.

• If a drone strike killed civilians, we investigate.

• If an officer ordered torture, we prosecute.

• If a president authorized an illegal war, we hold them accountable.

No one is above the law. Not the President. Not the CIA. Not the generals.

We know this is politically impossible. The powerful do not prosecute themselves. That is not an argument against the policy. It is an argument for why the system is broken. We are naming the brokenness, not pretending we can fix it overnight.

(Yes, this would mean prosecuting people from both parties. Yes, that is the point.)

Our Hashtag: #NoOneIsAboveTheLaw

Part Five: Government That Does Not Suck

Term Limits: Four Years and You Are Out

The Policy: One term. Four years. That is it. No re-election. No "career politician" path. You serve, you leave, you get a real job like everyone else. Also, you cannot become a lobbyist for ten years after leaving office.

Why This Is Obvious: The average member of Congress has been in office longer than the average marriage lasts. They do not serve the country. They serve themselves. Term limits force fresh ideas, prevent corruption, and remind politicians that they work for us, not the other way around.

Fun Fact: The longest-serving member of Congress in history served for nearly sixty years. He entered office when Eisenhower was president and left when Trump was president. That is not experience. That is furniture.

Our Hashtag: #OneAndDone

Median Pay for Politicians: Live Like the People You "Represent"

The Policy: Pay elected officials the median income of their district or state. No outside income. No speaking fees. No stock trading. No book deals while in office. No "consulting" jobs for family members.

Why This Is Obvious: Members of Congress are millionaires. Their children go to private schools. They do not shop at Costco. They have no idea how normal people live. Median pay forces them to share your reality — or quit.

Fun Fact: The median net worth of a member of Congress is several times higher than the median American household. The people making your laws are much richer than you. That might explain why they keep passing laws that help rich people.

Our Hashtag: #LiveLikeUs

Citizen Oversight: You Watch Them, Not the Other Way Around

The Policy: Elected citizen boards with the power to audit, investigate, and recommend removal of any government official for corruption, incompetence, or abuse. Board members serve one term, no pay, no power except oversight.

Why This Is Obvious: The only thing worse than government is government that no one is watching. Citizen boards put actual humans — not lawyers, not lobbyists, not donors — in charge of accountability.

Fun Fact: In ancient Athens, they had a practice called ostracism. Once a year, citizens could vote to exile anyone they thought was becoming too powerful. No crime necessary. Just "you seem sketchy, bye." We are not suggesting that. But imagine.

Our Hashtag: #WeAreWatching

Part Six: Money 

Tax Reform: One Number, No Loopholes

The Policy: Replace the entire federal tax code with a single consumption tax on non-essential goods. Food, medicine, housing, and condoms are exempt. Everything else gets a flat percentage. You spend money, you pay tax. You save money, you pay nothing. That is it.

Why This Is Obvious: The current tax code is tens of thousands of pages of nonsense written by lobbyists to benefit their bosses. It takes billions of hours to comply and costs you thousands of dollars in accountants. A consumption tax is simple, transparent, and impossible to cheat. The IRS becomes a museum exhibit.

Fun Fact: The U.S. tax code is longer than the Bible. The Bible has some good parts. The tax code has none.

Our Hashtag: #TaxesMadeSimple

Cryptocurrency: Your Money, Your Rules, No Central Bank Nonsense

The Policy: Legalize cryptocurrency for all transactions. No special taxes. No bans. No central bank digital currency that tracks every coffee you buy. Your keys, your coins. Also, the Treasury must accept crypto for tax payments.

Why This Is Obvious: The central bank prints money out of thin air, lends it to banks near zero percent, and wonders why your rent keeps going up. Cryptocurrency is fixed supply, transparent, and decentralized. You do not have to like it. But you should be allowed to use it.

Fun Fact: If you had bought a small amount of Bitcoin over a decade ago, you would be very rich today. You did not. Neither did we. Do not remind us.

Our Hashtag: #CryptoSovereignty

UBI Pilot: The Robots Are Coming. Give People Money.

The Policy: Run a Universal Basic Income pilot in several communities. Give every adult citizen a monthly check — no conditions, no work requirements, no questions asked. If it works, expand it. If it fails, try something else. But try.

Why This Is Obvious: AI is replacing jobs faster than anyone wants to admit. Truck drivers, cashiers, accountants, lawyers, coders — all are on the chopping block. UBI is not a handout. It is a dividend from technological progress. The machines do the work. You live your life.

Fun Fact: Every single UBI pilot in history has shown positive results. People do not quit jobs. They start businesses. They go back to school. They take care of aging parents. The only people who hate UBI are people who have never had to worry about rent.

Our Hashtag: #RobotsPayRent

Part Seven: The Future 

Free AI Tools: The Printing Press for the 21st Century

The Policy: Provide free, open-source AI tools for creative work — art, music, writing, design. No subscriptions. No corporate gatekeeping. No "sorry, you have reached your monthly limit." Also, any AI art you make is yours forever.

Why This Is Obvious: AI is the most powerful creative tool since the camera. It should belong to everyone, not just tech giants and early adopters. Free AI democratizes art, music, and expression. It also makes really funny memes.

Fun Fact: The first printing press made the Bible affordable. It also made pamphlets calling the Pope a lizard-person affordable. Freedom is messy. We will take the mess.

Our Hashtag: #AIForAll

Fusion Energy: Unlimited Clean Power, No More Oil Wars

The Policy: Partner with private innovators to build commercial fusion energy. Fast-track permits. Provide federal land. Fund research. Make it happen. Also, anyone who has ever said "fusion is always 30 years away" must wear a dunce cap until it works.

Why This Is Obvious: The sun works on fusion. It has been working for four billion years. We have been trying to copy it for decades. We are finally close. Fusion is clean, limitless, and safe. It ends oil addiction, stops climate debates, and makes energy too cheap to meter.

Fun Fact: A single glass of water contains enough fusion fuel to power a house for a year. There is a lot of water.

Our Hashtag: #SunPower

Mars (Yes, Mars): Because Earth Is Getting Boring

The Policy: Establish a permanent human settlement on Mars. Not "maybe someday." Not "if funding allows." We are going. Permanently. Bring your spacesuit.

Why This Is Obvious: Every generation needs a frontier. Ours is the solar system. Mars is hard but not impossible. The technology exists or is close. The only missing ingredient is will.

Fun Fact: The Mars rover Opportunity was only supposed to last 90 days. It lasted 15 years. Imagine what we could do if we actually tried.

Our Hashtag: #MarsOrBust

Conclusion: You Already Agree with Us, You Just Do Not Know It Yet

We have laid out a platform that is:

• More free than the Democrats

• More fun than the Republicans

• More honest than both

• More consistent on speech, war crimes, and government accountability than either

We support legal weed, voluntary service, sex work decriminalization, police reform, gun rights with training, free speech without threats, term limits, transparent taxes, cryptocurrency, UBI, AI for everyone, fusion energy, and Mars.

We oppose undeclared wars, war crimes, violent speech by politicians, and the TSA.

You already support half of these things. You are just afraid to say it out loud because your current party will yell at you.

We are not afraid. We are the American Party 2028. We are Glamour Warriors. We are beautiful, tattoo-free, clean people who believe that politics should be fun, freedom should feel good, and the future should be now.

(If the jokes make you skip the policies, that is your loss. The policies are serious. The jokes are just the spoonful of sugar. Take your medicine.)

Join us. Not with violence. Not with rage. With joy, humor, and the quiet confidence that we are right and everyone else is wrong.

Bluesky: @apunhinged.bsky.social (18+ only, contains adult themes, satire, and pure badassery)

About the Author

Jimmy Chilla is a registered Independent who has voted for Democrats, Republicans, and third-party candidates. He considers himself a free thinker and is not loyal to any party — only to the facts and his own judgment. He writes to hold power accountable, regardless of which party holds it. He is also very funny, and this platform is proof.